As a therapist and advocate who specializes in recovery from abuse, I have been witness to many stories of how survivors of abuse were treated by their church elders and pastors. I can tell you that some church leadership understands the complexities of domestic abuse, but sadly, many more leaders are doing incredible harm to female and male survivors. I do not believe the damage is always intentional, but rather stems from commonly held ideals that are ultimately creating environments where abusers are given “grace-passes” and the victims are left carrying the full responsibility for saving their marriages.
There appears to be significant blind spots within the western evangelical church when it comes to abuse and how leaders are to effectively counsel within the context of toxic marriages and abusive people. I hope to highlight a few of the areas that seem to stumble most church leaders. I am doing this not to bring shame or condemnation to pastors and church staff, but I hope open discussions will continue to occur. Survivors of abuse deserve to receive safe and informed care from their religious leadership. Unfortunately, this is not currently happening in many of our houses of worship in the United States.
Why won’t the church recognize abuse? Magical thinking.
The main issue I have observed is that far too many congregation leaders are teaching a lot about what God can do to change the abuser’s heart and far less instruction on what the abuser must do to be a reflection of Christ’s character to his or her family. The focus is placed on everyone but the abuser. The responsibility of changed behaviors is not where it needs to be, but rather deflected outward and away from the source of pain; the abuser.
Leaders are telling survivors that they must pray more if they want to see their abuser changed, that it is their duty as a wife or husband to remain steadfastly committed like Hosea did to Gomer in the Bible, and that God can change anyone if enough people are praying. Where are the teachings about the abuser repenting and permanently turning away from their harmful lifestyle? Where are the teachings about natural consequences when we mistreat other people? Where are teachings about personal accountability for a changed life? Instead the survivor, and even God, are held out as the only tools of how the abuser will be redeemed and made more Christ-like, even as the abuser does absolutely nothing concrete to be different. It leaves domestic abusers (both male and female) ultimately off the hook and everyone around them left to adjust to their poisonous behaviors.
The idea of wanting change for an abuser, when they themselves put no action towards healing, almost borders on magical thinking.
I recently was in a church lobby and a few people were standing around excitedly talking about a well-known public figure who exhibits abusive behaviors. One person said, “God is going to get a hold of him!” and another said, “He doesn’t know it yet, but God has a great plan for his life.” Of course I had to interject and ask what the abuser might think about God getting a hold of him. I asked what evidence can we see of a changed and repented heart from this particular toxic individual. I shared with them that it concerned me greatly that this small group of people in the lobby wanted salvation and healing for the abuser more than the abuser himself may even want it. At what point have Christians crossed over into dangerous wishful thinking that inhibits their ability to have eyes to see and ears to hear?
There is something very naive and unhealthy about projecting positive character traits on abusers that they do not possess and may have no interest in obtaining. If they did the hard work to become a new creation, then sure, we could join them in celebrating. But to hold out hope for an abuser who shows no lasting signs of change is like hoping we walk out our front door to a brand new sports car but we refuse to show up to work every day. It’s honestly embarrassing that the collective church will not see people for exactly who they are in their current state, hope and pray for more, but not be blinded to what is right in front of them. We will not change an abuser simply by wishing for it to be true. Sanctification is a process and one that the abuser absolutely must be a part of on a daily basis.
Why won’t the church recognize abuse? Power.
Power is a strong driver for people to remain in denial about abuse going on around them. When toxic people have the ability to get us what we want, we are sadly more willing sometimes to look the other way of character traits that might be unsavory. Many times the worst abusers at home are the same individuals who are showing up to church every time the doors are open. They are seen as pillars in the community, or at least useful to the church in some form or fashion. These powerful abusers are given a quiet pass when concerns are raised about their treatment of their families. People say things such as, “I know him, he would never do the things his wife told the pastor.” You can change the gender and the message is still the same when the abuser is a female. Power or the acquisition of something church leadership wants will, and has, caused many to justify abusive behaviors. They often utilize the magical thinking I mentioned above and decide that the abuser will get better with God’s help, even as the abuser shows no signs of authentically seeking God at all.
Why won’t the church recognize abuse? The covenant of marriage is being held in higher regard than the safety of a spouse and children within an abusive marriage.
I know churches where someone can repent of horrendous crimes against people and these individuals will be received within a congregation family but another church member discusses dissolving their marriage because of abuse, and that person will be literally shunned by church leadership and other members. The concept of marriage is held to such a high standard that in some places of worship, it does not matter that evil is being perpetrated within the walls of the family home. Why do some church leaders cling so tightly to the idea of all marriages remaining intact? I think there are two reasons and the first is that sometimes radical things do happen and terrible marriages are restored. Harmful behaviors are addressed and forever changed. Church leaders love those stories of how one of their ministries or their own counsel redeemed a family that looked hopeless. However, not all toxic marriages will go through a 180 shift. Just like not all prayers for a sick person will result in a miraculous and spontaneous healing. Sometimes the body dies and some marriages die as well. Just like the fact that we are not seeing resurrections of bodies at hospitals all over the country, we may not see resurrections of marriages that are abusive when the abuser does not do the hard work to bring lastly healing to his or her family.
The second reason that churches are holding tight to saving marriages, even when one spouse is literally dying within the poisonous environment, is because some church leaders believe that without strong marriages as a foundation, our country is on a collision course with doom. These leaders want to hold onto the concept of the traditional marriage so much that they are literally willing to pretend a marriage is reflecting God’s will even when they know good and well the marriage is a fragile house of cards. As long as it looks good from the outside, right? This sort of thinking perpetuates the fake billboard living that many complain about in regards to modern Christianity.
What can we do when we are worried about the church and its response, or lack of, to abuse in marriages? We first educate ourselves and then we set out to educate our local church leaders. We find books that have been helpful in our journey to understand what abuse looks like in all its forms and we share those books with church leaders. We walk along side a survivor of abuse and tell him or her that we will not spiritually abuse them as well. We will not use Scripture to justify the harm that is being done to them and we will not place the burden of change on the survivor either.
The church should be a sanctuary of hope and healing. Until abuse within Christian marriages is properly handled by all churches in America, we are failing in our calling to carry each other’s burdens and be the hands and feet of a God of justice.
Keep dreaming big!
Bestselling Author of Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through The Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse
As a counselor I have been given the honor of hearing the most private inner thoughts that humans can have and after years of meeting with different people, some distinct commonalities among us have emerged for me to witness.
One of the most closely guarded areas for people is how they truly feel about their relationship with God and faith in general. Many people are showing up each week to church services, volunteering in ministries and other outward expressions of religious belief but are inwardly struggling with significant doubts about a wide variety of points as they relate to their spirituality.
One of my most favorite types of counseling sessions is where someone can break through the guilt and/or embarrassment of admitting that they don’t feel close to God as maybe they once did. Why are these some of my favorite sessions? Because I am a huge fan of authenticity in life and faking religiousness is soul crushing to people. Now let me pause here and say that I know some people believe that the soul is bad and the spirit is good. I am over simplifying that a tich but you get the basic belief. I do not agree that the soul is evil and spirit is where God resides (but that may be a good blog post for another day).
When I say it is soul crushing to fake our way through living in a community of faith, I don’t mean that is a good thing. It’s not. It’s a heavy burden to carry when we don’t know what we believe regarding God and have no one to talk to about it. Often times our religious friends, family and church leaders don’t really know what to say when someone is not authentically sure of what they believe anymore. Well, they may know what to say but often times what is said isn’t helpful and comes wrapped in a box of shame.
How does someone come to a place of doubts about their faith? I believe it’s actually really common but most “good Christians” don’t talk about their inner thoughts and just wrestle inwardly. There are a few folks who are lucky enough to have a trusted friend or family member who can handle real conversations about this topic and those people are very fortunate to have a good sounding board to bounce ideas off of; from what I have seen a lot of people do not have that though.
Our faith should be a living organism that ebbs and flows with the normal rhythms of life. There are days we will feel very connected to God as we believe Him to be and then other days when we doubt everything we felt the day before. That seems normal to me and common from what I have seen among people who range from hardly ever in church to people in full time ministry. The trouble is that often in groups of religious people, that natural organic dance of faith is looked upon as a negative thing. I just don’t see it that way. It seems normal and healthy that our connection with God would have its ups and downs; just as any couple relationship experiences. If our faith hasn’t changed in many many years, maybe it isn’t really a living thing but rather just a dead statue on display that isn’t truly connected to us at all. Hmm. Something to ponder maybe.
I know this is a controversial subject and I hope I have expressed myself in the way I am intending too. I guess I can sum it up with this: to me it’s normal that our faith be a part of us that is so closely connected to who we are, that when we go through different stages in life, so goes our faith along with us for the journey. I hope that’s the case for people. Dead religious practices won’t really satisfy our deepest longings for connection to something greater than ourselves but maybe if we give ourselves the permission to let our faith grow and change, we might end up being better off than faking our way through this area of our lives.