As a therapist who works primarily with women clients, many of whom are in their forties, fifties, and early sixties, I have the unique privilege of hearing their inner thoughts expressed aloud during our time together in the private counseling sessions. There’s a commonality beginning to emerge among many of the women I know both in my professional and personal life, and it’s what I have dubbed the midlife malaise. As a fifty-six-year-old woman myself (and that happened faster than I can even verbalize), I fit squarely into this demographic, and I often find myself inwardly wholeheartedly commiserating about the symptoms associated with the lived experience of this midlife malaise.

I call it a malaise because I am hearing many GenX women feeling pulled in two entirely different life directions – one a desire for a quiet slower pace of life but the other side is a longing for new fulfilling vibrant personal or professional experiences.

Being trapped in between these two very different competing parts of ourselves puts us solidly going nowhere and, my friend, this is where the feeling of malaise takes a seat at our life table. You could look up the definition of malaise but for the way I am using it here, and what I’ve seen in other women around my own life stage, it’s a feeling of not being where we once were in life and not fully where we are headed, so women find themselves entwined in this middle ground of meh. I am hearing from women that the “meh” feeling has entangled around them and at times, feel like it’s squeezing out their joy for life.

GenX women – especially those of us in our fifties and early sixties – are finding ourselves confounded by the juxtaposition of our persistent internal looping of daydreaming about either a quiet life of living in a small English cottage in the countryside with extreme limited exposure to other human-beings (aka a recluse) or, on the other side of the life teeter-totter, expending tremendous energy and excitement by starting a new business adventure surrounded by a vibrant team of co-builders. These exact two examples may not be precisely your inner thoughts if the midlife malaise has hit so feel free to fill in your own two extremes of the life you are desiring at this age and stage.

I often ponder internally of how can it be that we could fully desire both, yet totally different lives at the same time? How would we run a thriving and growing new business if were hiding in a cottage with no technology but lots of acreage between us and other people? Why do we want the two extremes of life and where did these feelings come from?

Aging for GenX women is not the same as it was for our mothers and grandmothers. We are a wholly different set of women. We were raised differently and our adult access to resources, medical advances, social norms, and a long list of other factors have led to midlife lives that look and feel unique to any other generation before us.

We are the fork in the road for women and aging. I find that incredibly exciting and trailblazing. It also presents its own challenges because we are literally making it up as we go along. How do women age when aging is being redefined as we live it?

For me, I am wrestling with the midlife malaise by inwardly focusing on clarifying what I value and then letting that inner conversation lead to my outward steps. For example, I value feeling contentment and I achieve that by spending time alone. I am an introvert and thrive in the quietness. It’s where I find my creativity and can hear myself over the noise of this currently really messed up outside world. Because this is a value, I am now structuring my midlife to include more time with myself. I have cut back on my counseling work schedule that balances my other value of being financially stable and I have adjusted my social commitments to only those things and activities that add precision quality to my life. If spending time on something – or with someone – leaves me feeling drained or empty inside, it’s not allowed to stay on my life plate.

As a fellow trauma survivor alongside many of you, I don’t have the luxury of spending emotional energy on things that return void.

For us survivors, if this habit was left unchecked, it often leads to a downward slope to nowhere good and fast. We must protect our time and energy because that leads to more stable mental health.

If you have found yourself in a midlife malaise, a good place to start is defining what you value. I recently came across this list of values and personally found it super helpful. Maybe get somewhere quiet, grab a journal or piece of paper, and look through the list. Find three or four values that jump out at you. Write them down. Ponder on them and then look for ways to express those values in your life right now. I believe this exercise will help us together move from what our lives used to look like to where we are headed, and we will be intentional about living within what we value most. This is a solid foundation for creating the next chapter ahead for those of us in midlife.

As always, remember to keep dreaming big! (or small if that English cottage is calling to you).

– Shannon