Can’t Win Them All

It’s funny how age doesn’t change some things in life. In one day I spoke with a tween and two adults about the exact same topic but three different counseling sessions. They had the same concerns, same challenges and the same solutions would work in all three situations. It made me realize that if we don’t learn better ways of handling things as kids and teenagers, we are probably going to still be struggling with the same life challenges as adults.

On that particular day, the topic that both young and older were dealing with was how to not allow other people to affect their happiness, self-esteem and behaviors. That’s a big dilemma for a lot of people. How do we not function like human sponges soaking up the opinions of others and to our own detriment? If we are ever going to be free from being emotionally brought down by others, there are a few basic facts that we must accept as reality.

1) Certain People Will Never Like Us

Harsh? No. Just a true statement. We can’t win all people over to be our friends or even to be cordial to us. For a variety of different reasons, some people will never accept us. They will gossip about us, complain about us and basically never let their guard down enough to find our redeeming qualities. They want to dislike or even hate us.  There are also those people in the world that need one person to be their target for releasing frustrations and sometimes that person is us. We must factor in our life mathematical equation people who won’t like us. By allowing this to be a normal part of being human, we will have an easier time when we run into those people who will not consistently be nice. We can, non-emotionally, put them in the Doesn’t Like Me box and happily move on. Who is on your list that doesn’t like you and are you learning to be ok with it?

2) It Isn’t Personal 

At times, folks are not our fans because of our own behaviors. We need to be willing to take an honest look at that possibility and correct ourselves where and when needed. But if after a personal inventory, we can not find a true valid reason for someone to be rude to us or intentionally try to cause us stress, then we must realize that their attitude towards us isn’t personal. There are a lot of reasons people behave the way they do. Sometimes it’s because they are jealous of something we possess and they don’t. Other times, they could be acting out of a subconscious dislike of someone else that we remind them of so we get the full brunt of their frustrations. If we are truly not causing discord, then we have to remind ourselves that it’s not about us but them. We might have to repeat this often in our heads. When people are mean, it’s easy to take it on personally but it’s incredibly freeing when we truly grasp that their attitudes are not personal to us. They are probably rude to many other people in their world too.

3) Be Aware Of Our Own Hurt Feelings

There are times when we react to rude people in a more amplified way because really, we wanted to be friends with them and they clearly don’t like us. Or if we didn’t want to be friends, maybe we were seeking out respect in the work place or a promotion we felt was ours but someone else received. When we interact with all people, but especially those who are rude to us, we have to be consistently mindful of our own emotional temperature. Are we well-rested or tired? Happy in life or chronically disappointed? Lonely or feeling included? All these factors play into how we approach other people and respond to them as well.

In a nutshell, if we don’t want to absorb all of the negativity that some people hurl towards us, we must learn these essential boundaries. Otherwise, we will internalize things that we shouldn’t and in doing so, our own joy and self-esteem will diminish greatly.

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