I had a wonderful time visiting with Alise Cortez on her radio show:
Working on Purpose.
To listen to the show: Click HERE
A Quest to Improve the Lives of People Who Have Experienced Psychological or Spiritual Abuse
“Let’s face it – relationships of all types can really be difficult. That’s especially true when we find ourselves living, associating or working with individuals who use psychological or spiritual abuse as a method of harm. A surprising number of people exhibit various personality disorder characteristics that manifest themselves in behaviors toward those closest to them. Our guest in this episode has a unique window on this world in her counseling practice focusing on recovery from hidden abuse. In this episode, we discuss Shannon Thomas’s choice to enter the field, how she developed her career into her own business today, the six stages she uses to guide her clients toward recovery, her perspective of how and why psychological and spiritual abuse occurs today, and the signs we might use to recognize that we ourselves are in a toxic relationship and then what we can do about it.” – Alise Cortez
As I looked at this picture on my friend’s phone, I had the thought of “sometimes we need to put on a pink tutu and run through bubbles.”
It got me thinking about some of the other “sometimes” moments that happen.
Sometimes we need more sleep.
Sometimes we need to sit on the couch and watch a marathon of Marvels on Netflix (a Boy Mom thing to do for sure).
Sometimes we need to have a bag of popcorn and glass of wine for dinner.
Sometimes we need to take time away from work.
Sometimes we need to jump in the warm ocean waves.
Sometimes we need to share our opinion on a topic.
Sometimes we need to not take another person’s irritation personally.
Sometimes we need to stop waiting for someone to get emotionally healthy.
Sometimes we need to say “Go away.”
Sometimes we need to not feel guilty for saying “Go away.”
Sometimes we need to trust our gut.
Sometimes we need to welcome new people into our lives.
Sometimes we need to know that everyone has a story.
Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of how far we have come in our personal growth.
Sometimes we need to not care what other people are doing in life.
Sometimes we need to laugh loudly with our friends.
Sometimes we need a couple of friends who love us unconditionally.
Sometimes we need to not be a part of a person’s life just because they invited us in.
Sometimes we need to say “No.”
Sometimes we need to say “Yes.”
Sometimes we need to act silly and not care about our age.
Sometimes we need to take someone’s name and contact information out of our phone.
Sometimes we need to take a nap.
Sometimes we need to push ourselves out of our comfort zone.
Sometimes we need to tell our story.
Sometimes we need to not sit on the sidelines.
Sometimes we need to stop making an excuse for being mistreated.
Sometimes we need to buy ourselves a bouquet of flowers.
Sometimes we need to buy a plane ticket.
Sometimes we need a new stamp in our passport.
Sometimes we need to know other people love us.
Sometimes we need to face our fears.
Sometimes we need to listen to other people’s viewpoints.
Sometimes we need to fight for a relationship that is important to us.
Sometimes we need to know when to let go.
Sometimes we need to buy a Groupon to something we would never think of trying.
Sometimes we need to realize we are doing better than we think we are.
What are your “sometimes” thoughts?
Keep dreaming big!
It’s frightening when someone crosses the yellow line and drifts into your lane; coming at you head-on. This can apply to driving a car or emotionally. Emotionally? Yes. There are people who don’t know how to stay in their own lane of life and they cross relational boundaries. Typically I write about the experiences of being in contact with clinically toxic people but for today’s discussion, this sort of behavior can definitely take place from folks who are not personality disordered but just good old fashioned, rude.
We all should be aware of our actions and perhaps we have been guilty of swerving into someone else’s life lane when they never really ever asked us to. Definitely use this post as self-reflective but I really intend it as a resource to help us deal with those folks who feel the need to come at us in a way that is annoying, if not emotionally dangerous.
I have found myself murmuring in my own head thoughts like “My goodness, stay in your lane!” or something similar. I assume that if I am frustrated by encounters with these lane changing people, that surely someone else out there has experienced similar life intrusions. I have lately noticed two types of relational bad drivers and wanted to share them with you in the hope that if you encounter these sort of individuals, that you might not feel guilty getting off the same road as them.
The first scary driver is what I will call the Overstepping Their Role individual. This person might be a family member, friend, colleague, acquaintance, fellow church member or really any level of regular contact with them. Your first awareness that they have crossed the line with you is when you find yourself really irritated and can’t quite put your finger on exactly why. Perhaps you found yourself irritated and immediately knew why. If you encountered an Overstepper, they will have come at you as an expert of your life in some aspect. They may have tried to position themselves in a role of dominance to you or wanted to speak into your life in a way that you never previously opened the door to them. Let me pause here and say that we all need authenticity in our relationships and that includes hearing things that might be hard to hear. However! Those little nuggets of life truths must come from the people that we (and let me repeat WE) have welcomed into our lives in the role of adviser, mentor, leader, confidant or whatever we choose to call them.
The Overstepper does not have the right to position herself or himself in a role that we have not granted them. I highly encourage you to take swift action the very first time that the Overstepper shows their true colors. Sure, you can choose to clear up the fallout of the very first unwanted lane change. This will have you continuing to drive on the same road with them until the next time the Overstepper decides to go for Round 2 of undermining you. For me, I like the saying that says when someone shows you their true colors, believe them. I am long suffering with people who may have had a bad day or are just not themselves for a season but the Overstepper typically has been watching and waiting for just the right opportunity to position themselves in some headship role over you. No. Thank. You. Stay in your lane Overstepper!
The second type of relational bad driver, who likes to target your lane, is the Direct Hit person. Some of the characteristics of this individual include:
- Being the ultimate example of a “Frenemy” or “Famemy” (you know the oxymoron of friend/family and enemy because they behave like both, depending on how it suits their moods).
- Uses triangulation to exclude you from activities with other family members or friends. They get satisfaction from stealing relationships away from you and probably never even noticed someone until you did. Then the gloves come off and they purposefully set out to rob you of your connection with that other person.
- Gloats and gets pleasure from your failings. This is enjoyed by the Direct Hit person because they cannot be truly happy for other people’s successes. They dart over into your life lane with the purpose of knocking out your good things in order to feel better about themselves. They are the equivalent of the school bully but in an adult body.
- They purposefully create situations to make you look bad and then laugh at you in front of others. They have no problem publicly mocking you so others will not like you as much. The Direct Hit person believes this makes them more popular.
- They swing between being nice and a good companion, to hitting you head-on in an attempt to inflict some dings and scratches on your car. Stay in your lane, Direct Hit person!
Some of the behaviors of the Direct Hit person definitely can sound like a personality disordered individual and they just well might be. For the purposes of today, let’s just go with the idea that the Direct Hit person is to be avoided; regardless of any other underlying bigger issues.
Have you been cruising down your own life road and had one or both of these types of people try to cause damage to you? You are not alone. The next time you see the oncoming hit approaching, I highly suggest you flip on your blinker and make a right turn completely onto a new street. As you get away from them, roll down your windows, turn up the radio and sing along to a good song. Life is way to fun to waste time on the Overstepper or the Direct Hit person. Far too many other drivers know exactly how to stay in their lanes. Why continue on an unsafe road with people who don’t have the good sense to know their place in your life? Not a very wise idea for sure.
One of the most common things I hear from survivors of psychological abuse is their confusion about why they didn’t notice the red flags sooner in the relationship. It doesn’t matter if the toxic person is a parent, co-worker, friend or love interest, almost all survivors seriously doubt themselves for not seeing the toxicity earlier. Once a survivor’s eyes are opened to the abuse they have endured, they wonder why they didn’t set better boundaries before they found themselves in a world of hurt from the psychological games. Survivors of this type of abuse have their lives completely rocked and thrown into chaos. The common question is “how did I let this happen to me?”
The truth is that this form of abuse is difficult to specifically pinpoint and that’s what makes it so insidious. The abuser works hard to hide their true motives so they lie and shift the blame onto the survivor. In order for the pattern of abuse to be really seen, it takes a survivor many episodes that leave them deeply hurt. It is not a one-and-done type of abuse.
Psychological abuse is a pervasive pattern of covertly harming another person. I often relate the process that survivors go through as collecting pebbles. One pebble represents a negative encounter with a psychological abuser.
In the early stages of a relationship or an awareness that something isn’t right, a survivor will have a few pebbles in their metaphorical bag. The bag isn’t very heavy and only carries a couple weird or hurtful moments with an abuser. Certainly not enough evidence of abuse to cut a family member out of your life, quit your job, break up with a boyfriend/girlfriend and most definitely not enough to end a marriage. It’s only a few negative moments, right? At this point, survivors will rationalize that nobody is perfect, everyone has character defects and good days/bad days. It is human nature to not take too seriously one or two or three or four unpleasant moments with people. We often shrug it off and move on.
However, after time of collecting “pebbles,” the bag becomes very heavy. Too heavy to carry anymore and many survivors describe being crushed under the weight of the abuse and chronic dysfunction of the abuser. Survivors experience physical and emotional issues due to the weight of the bag of pebbles and toxicity of the environment. Some survivors share their During and After the abuse pictures and it is stunning to see how each and every one of them looked overwhelmed and exhausted during the abuse. The After pictures are extremely encouraging that recovery can be complete and permanent.
Are you collecting pebbles of odd or outright abusive encounters with a toxic person? How heavy is your bag right now? If there are just a few pebbles, take note of any patterns of behaviors that are starting to emerge. Be prepared to set boundaries if or when the pebbles start to pile up.
What do you do if your bag of pebbles is so heavy you can’t even lift it anymore and feel suffocated by the bag? First, breathe. Take a minute and pause. You are not crazy. You more than likely have been spun into such a chaotic state that you’re not sure which way is up anymore. Taking care of yourself physically is a great first step towards recovery from psychological abuse. Going to bed earlier, getting enough exercise and eating a little healthier are all helpful towards finding your way out of a dark pit. There are different aspect to being in recovery and each survivor has to figure out what is right for them and their specific situation. Finding a therapist or online support group that specializes in healing from psychological abuse is often vital for people to begin the healing process.
I wish that no one needed to be on the lookout for pebbles of abuse but the reality is that toxic people exist and trying to get a survivor to not notice the pattern is part of the dysfunction. Collecting pebbles helps gather the moments in one place so the true weight of the situation can be recognized.
Keep dreaming big!
** The Project Is Now Closed **
I am very excited to announce that my research project on Psychological Abuse has received approval and ready for participants!
The anonymous survey can be found at:
You can also visit us on Facebook at A Study on Psychological Abuse