This last year of entrepreneur life has been a whirlwind and there are many words I could use to describe the past twelve months. Some that I have used are wonderful, fulfilling, blessed and one that kept coming out of mouth was squeezed. I have found myself saying that word because I was experiencing the feeling of being squished in from different sides. But why? I love what I have created in my professional life. I love all of it. Every last detail, so why would the word squeezed keep coming to mind?
Therapists have a tendency (at least I do) to “therapize” ourselves and probably over-analyze our own thoughts and behaviors. While I was recently trying to understand how a career that I love so much was also causing some level of discomfort, it finally dawned on me. You know those moments when the answers flood in and you hear yourself saying something like, “Of course! That makes complete sense.” What was the root of this epiphany that I had about the word squeezed?
It’s that my two main entrepreneur brands compete with one another and as they collide, I am the middle point of contact. Ouch. No wonder.
The Two Brands
What are my two brands? I am the owner and lead therapist of an award-winning counseling practice, and I wrote a best-selling book. Both my work as a therapist and the book focus on the recovery from the types of abuses people don’t usually notice happening around them. The hidden poison of psychological abuse. Heavy topic, right? But I absolutely love the work I get to do; both in private practice and in writing the book. So how would these two squeeze together with me in the middle? It centers on the concepts of micro versus macro. The small reach and the large message.
The small reach
I officially opened the counseling agency in 2009. I took my final license exam April 1, 2009 and the doors of my practice opened May 1, 2009. I am not a wait-around-and-think-about-things type of gal. I had two years of finishing my professional license to ponder and twiddle my business thumbs. I was ready for entrepreneur life and passing the exam gave me free rein to go after it. From the beginning I knew I wanted to build what is known as a “boutique” counseling practice. Keep it small, don’t take insurance and the clients get the privacy of not having to go through office staff to make an appointment. When clients call, they get me. I do all my own phone calls, scheduling and follow up. There isn’t the experience of a crowded waiting room full of people to see one of many therapists in the same office. No secretary calling back to schedule and the first point of contact with me finally happening at the appointment. I dislike that model very much.
The owner of a boutique counseling practice is intentional in keeping things from feeling like a medical office. It is created to be an experience that feels like going to chat with a close friend, but with all the healthy professional ethics and boundaries firmly in place. I purposefully started and have fought to keep my counseling agency small enough to stay quaint and full of personal attention. I have no plans to ever change from that model.
The large message.
Now enter in my second brand. My book. I launched the book almost one year ago today and it has done better in sales than I ever could have imagined. It has been a best-seller on Amazon, featured in international news and lifestyle press, audio rights acquired and released by a well-known publisher, and our first international translation is slated to be released this fall. Side note: the first language translation will be in Italian so I am unabashedly jockeying my family to book a trip to Rome and Naples next spring so we can go visit the publisher. Sounds like a great excuse to see Italy!
With the launch of the book, my message about healing from hidden abuse (also the title of the book) has gone literally around the world. At www.healingfromhiddenabuse.com we maintain a list of available book studies. The list currently has 118 book studies in 8 countries, including 37 U.S. states. Press coverage about the book and my work has been featured in outlets like Business Insider, Teen Vogue, Bustle, Romper, PsychReg and PsychCentral. I will be a featured speaker at the national #NoMeanGirls conference October 2017. I even had to hire a publicist and am truly blessed to have Bolt Public Relations (Dallas) join me in the quest to spread awareness about healing from hidden abuse. I couldn’t maximize the reach without the incredible Bolt women. There are many other macro aspects to the book, but you get a glimmer of what has gone on this year. It has taken my breath away at times; both in excitement and exhaustion.
Small reach versus large message. That is where my two brands collide. The look and feel of a boutique practice and the international exposure as a genre author. I am the center point in which these two meet. The word squeezed makes a little more sense. My dilemma as a entrepreneur who loves both brands is how to maintain these two competing worlds.
What is my point in sharing this with you; besides using this space as my own form of therapy to see it all in typed words? The actual main point is that I am 100% I am not alone in feeling like two aspects of life collide, even though you may love both. Where can we see this happening? Marriage, parenting, work, or any other environment where we find ourselves squeezed by different demands. What are we to do to thrive through the pressure?
After the launch of the book and the speed at which it took off, I had to quickly assess where my daily work life priorities were going to be. We all have a limited amount of capacity and must make decisions about what will get our first fruits of energy. For me, that lies with my counseling clients. That does not describe the people who email asking questions, or even calling in for an appointment. In the world of therapy, a client is someone who has filled out their necessary paperwork, come to the first appointment and we both have decided to continue in the therapeutic relationship. A client is not someone who emails asking questions. A client is not even someone making an appointment. The therapist/client relationship and professional obligations start after the first appointment.
As you assess the collision of two competing interests in your life, what will be the priority that will receive your first efforts? Write it down somewhere. Remind yourself that you have chosen to make this area your focus. We do this so when other things come creeping into the schedule, it can serve as a grounding point to get back to business.
Since my true clients are my first professional priority, I had to figure out how to set boundaries so I could meet my obligations to real life, in-office clients. One area that helped with boundary setting was to establish an auto-reply on my work email. The word “inundated” does not even begin to describe what my in-box turned into after the launch of the book. Since I had established a boutique counseling practice, I did not have the assistant infrastructure in place to help me manage the new workload. Since I love owning a small counseling agency, I have no interest in changing my business model to fit the demands of others. Some emails are really nice. Some are really mean. Some are just weird and real weird ones are reported to law enforcement. I waste no time with nonsense. The auto-reply has helped me tremendously in sorting through the emails from true clients, those that are looking for more information and those who want to be ugly to me via email. The auto-reply gives all the necessary information of what next steps people can take. This boundary has helped me beautifully.
Now that you have established your priority, what boundaries need to put in place to help you stay focused on what is most important?
Stay humble and authentically grateful
I strongly believe in the mind/body connection and the power of what we put out into the world with our attitude. Just because we might be going through a time of success, does not mean it will last indefinitely. Actually most things do not. Everything is a season and we must embrace, love, enjoy and be really present in the good moments. Even though I have felt squeezed at times this last year, I quickly felt the overwhelm but then replaced it with soul touching gratitude. I am lucky to do what I do. Sure some days are busy and I need more coffee than is probably healthy, but it is a season. I want to embrace it and feel every moment. There will be a day for retirement, but that day is not today so I will enjoy as much of the roller coaster now as I can!
What will help you remind yourself to not take your season for granted, thinking it will last forever? What can you do to fully appreciate where you are right now?
My hope is that you can enjoy being squeezed by things in your life and learn to recognize them, set limits and embrace every moment!
Keep dreaming big.
It’s frightening when someone crosses the yellow line and drifts into your lane; coming at you head-on. This can apply to driving a car or emotionally. Emotionally? Yes. There are people who don’t know how to stay in their own lane of life and they cross relational boundaries. Typically I write about the experiences of being in contact with clinically toxic people but for today’s discussion, this sort of behavior can definitely take place from folks who are not personality disordered but just good old fashioned, rude.
We all should be aware of our actions and perhaps we have been guilty of swerving into someone else’s life lane when they never really ever asked us to. Definitely use this post as self-reflective but I really intend it as a resource to help us deal with those folks who feel the need to come at us in a way that is annoying, if not emotionally dangerous.
I have found myself murmuring in my own head thoughts like “My goodness, stay in your lane!” or something similar. I assume that if I am frustrated by encounters with these lane changing people, that surely someone else out there has experienced similar life intrusions. I have lately noticed two types of relational bad drivers and wanted to share them with you in the hope that if you encounter these sort of individuals, that you might not feel guilty getting off the same road as them.
The first scary driver is what I will call the Overstepping Their Role individual. This person might be a family member, friend, colleague, acquaintance, fellow church member or really any level of regular contact with them. Your first awareness that they have crossed the line with you is when you find yourself really irritated and can’t quite put your finger on exactly why. Perhaps you found yourself irritated and immediately knew why. If you encountered an Overstepper, they will have come at you as an expert of your life in some aspect. They may have tried to position themselves in a role of dominance to you or wanted to speak into your life in a way that you never previously opened the door to them. Let me pause here and say that we all need authenticity in our relationships and that includes hearing things that might be hard to hear. However! Those little nuggets of life truths must come from the people that we (and let me repeat WE) have welcomed into our lives in the role of adviser, mentor, leader, confidant or whatever we choose to call them.
The Overstepper does not have the right to position herself or himself in a role that we have not granted them. I highly encourage you to take swift action the very first time that the Overstepper shows their true colors. Sure, you can choose to clear up the fallout of the very first unwanted lane change. This will have you continuing to drive on the same road with them until the next time the Overstepper decides to go for Round 2 of undermining you. For me, I like the saying that says when someone shows you their true colors, believe them. I am long suffering with people who may have had a bad day or are just not themselves for a season but the Overstepper typically has been watching and waiting for just the right opportunity to position themselves in some headship role over you. No. Thank. You. Stay in your lane Overstepper!
The second type of relational bad driver, who likes to target your lane, is the Direct Hit person. Some of the characteristics of this individual include:
- Being the ultimate example of a “Frenemy” or “Famemy” (you know the oxymoron of friend/family and enemy because they behave like both, depending on how it suits their moods).
- Uses triangulation to exclude you from activities with other family members or friends. They get satisfaction from stealing relationships away from you and probably never even noticed someone until you did. Then the gloves come off and they purposefully set out to rob you of your connection with that other person.
- Gloats and gets pleasure from your failings. This is enjoyed by the Direct Hit person because they cannot be truly happy for other people’s successes. They dart over into your life lane with the purpose of knocking out your good things in order to feel better about themselves. They are the equivalent of the school bully but in an adult body.
- They purposefully create situations to make you look bad and then laugh at you in front of others. They have no problem publicly mocking you so others will not like you as much. The Direct Hit person believes this makes them more popular.
- They swing between being nice and a good companion, to hitting you head-on in an attempt to inflict some dings and scratches on your car. Stay in your lane, Direct Hit person!
Some of the behaviors of the Direct Hit person definitely can sound like a personality disordered individual and they just well might be. For the purposes of today, let’s just go with the idea that the Direct Hit person is to be avoided; regardless of any other underlying bigger issues.
Have you been cruising down your own life road and had one or both of these types of people try to cause damage to you? You are not alone. The next time you see the oncoming hit approaching, I highly suggest you flip on your blinker and make a right turn completely onto a new street. As you get away from them, roll down your windows, turn up the radio and sing along to a good song. Life is way to fun to waste time on the Overstepper or the Direct Hit person. Far too many other drivers know exactly how to stay in their lanes. Why continue on an unsafe road with people who don’t have the good sense to know their place in your life? Not a very wise idea for sure.
It’s funny how age doesn’t change some things in life. In one day I spoke with a tween and two adults about the exact same topic but three different counseling sessions. They had the same concerns, same challenges and the same solutions would work in all three situations. It made me realize that if we don’t learn better ways of handling things as kids and teenagers, we are probably going to still be struggling with the same life challenges as adults.
On that particular day, the topic that both young and older were dealing with was how to not allow other people to affect their happiness, self-esteem and behaviors. That’s a big dilemma for a lot of people. How do we not function like human sponges soaking up the opinions of others and to our own detriment? If we are ever going to be free from being emotionally brought down by others, there are a few basic facts that we must accept as reality.
1) Certain People Will Never Like Us
Harsh? No. Just a true statement. We can’t win all people over to be our friends or even to be cordial to us. For a variety of different reasons, some people will never accept us. They will gossip about us, complain about us and basically never let their guard down enough to find our redeeming qualities. They want to dislike or even hate us. There are also those people in the world that need one person to be their target for releasing frustrations and sometimes that person is us. We must factor in our life mathematical equation people who won’t like us. By allowing this to be a normal part of being human, we will have an easier time when we run into those people who will not consistently be nice. We can, non-emotionally, put them in the Doesn’t Like Me box and happily move on. Who is on your list that doesn’t like you and are you learning to be ok with it?
2) It Isn’t Personal
At times, folks are not our fans because of our own behaviors. We need to be willing to take an honest look at that possibility and correct ourselves where and when needed. But if after a personal inventory, we can not find a true valid reason for someone to be rude to us or intentionally try to cause us stress, then we must realize that their attitude towards us isn’t personal. There are a lot of reasons people behave the way they do. Sometimes it’s because they are jealous of something we possess and they don’t. Other times, they could be acting out of a subconscious dislike of someone else that we remind them of so we get the full brunt of their frustrations. If we are truly not causing discord, then we have to remind ourselves that it’s not about us but them. We might have to repeat this often in our heads. When people are mean, it’s easy to take it on personally but it’s incredibly freeing when we truly grasp that their attitudes are not personal to us. They are probably rude to many other people in their world too.
3) Be Aware Of Our Own Hurt Feelings
There are times when we react to rude people in a more amplified way because really, we wanted to be friends with them and they clearly don’t like us. Or if we didn’t want to be friends, maybe we were seeking out respect in the work place or a promotion we felt was ours but someone else received. When we interact with all people, but especially those who are rude to us, we have to be consistently mindful of our own emotional temperature. Are we well-rested or tired? Happy in life or chronically disappointed? Lonely or feeling included? All these factors play into how we approach other people and respond to them as well.
In a nutshell, if we don’t want to absorb all of the negativity that some people hurl towards us, we must learn these essential boundaries. Otherwise, we will internalize things that we shouldn’t and in doing so, our own joy and self-esteem will diminish greatly.
Five Things I’ve Learned This Week or Was Reminded Of:
1) Emotional blackmail/manipulation is real and painful (actually really painful). I started reading “Emotional Blackmail” by Dr. Susan Forward and I highly recommend it for men and women who think they may be doing life with someone who utilizes fear, obligation or guilt (FOG) to get their way in the relationship. There are great scenario studies, as well as concrete suggestions of how to change the dynamics of the relationship.
2) Being lonely as a college student is not unusual anymore. Old people like me use to just assume that all college kids were having a blast with friends and a busy social life but in the last few years I have noticed a distinct trend in more college kids not connecting with other students. Getting involved in an on-campus organization is often the connecting point needed to get students headed in the right direction. A lonely college student rarely does well in their classes and often will return home early and feeling defeated.
3) How we interpret other people’s behaviors is the key to either seeing their actions as loving or offensive. It never ceases to amaze me how just a shift in perspective can change our attitude about someone and their intentions toward us.
4) Great quote: “Real soul mates are eternally bound – they will change each other in ways that you never imagined and they will make it through the most difficult of times” – R. Singh.
5) Setting boundaries with our family of origin isn’t unloving or rejecting them. It is respecting ourselves as adults and attempting to maintain a connection that is healthier than maybe had been in previous times. If family members try to use guilt when you set healthy boundaries, try picking up the book I referenced in #1.
What’s on your list?
Five Things I’ve Learned This Week or Was Reminded Of:
1) Often times we get the “opportunity” to repeat a life lesson we’ve already learned. For example, we figure out how to set boundaries with people who are excessive takers (as opposed to givers) and wouldn’t you know it, here comes another taker so we get to fine tune our boundary skills even better. It may seem annoying but in fact, it’s a blessing to be reminded of how far we have come in our own personal growth. Besides, all excessive takers need to hear no more often.
2) Many kids and teens deal with anxiety and panic attacks. There are ways parents can help their children learn through these experiences so the youth can become more self-contained emotionally. There are also ways parents can hinder their children’s emotional well-being. When in doubt, see a counselor for guidance. Childhood anxiety handled poorly can lead to phobia development that is crippling to the youth’s future.
3) Love that reaches your soul is rare and is to be protected and cherished when it finds you.
4) Just because today may look dark and overwhelming, it doesn’t mean tomorrow will be the same. It is always shocking to me how the emotional conditions can vary from day to day. Hang tight if today is dark and appreciate it if today is bright!
5) Stressed out? Get alone with some good music that is gentle to your spirit. It’s amazing what quiet time will do to change your perspective on things. Life just comes at all of us much too quickly, so getting away for a bit is a must.
What’s on your list?